Breaking the Silence
I have decided to blog again. All this drinking, tambays and sleeping has to be bad for me. Now, im not saying that im going to stop doing those things, its just me bringing writing back on the list.
Bear with me. I feel as though my brain is on vacation. I've had this writer's block for atleast two years now. Its frustrating because i know i can get over it, but as of the moment i can barely string together coherrent sentences.
***
I feel stupid. In order to restore balance in my universe (haha, balance in my universe), I try to not think. It works, less stress, less ideas, less ME.
Its a sad, sad thing when you feel that youre losing yourself.
Wala lang, I just liked the drama.
Of course ill put you first. I love you and i have been loving you since the day we met. Lately though, things have been rocky between us. Sabe natin walang iwanan. But im scared. I dont want us to end up hating each other and parting ways. I know you deserve much more, im sorry. Youv'e always stuck with me through everything. I dont want to lose you now.
Grrrh. I am frustrated with myself.
***
I am sooo bored. Yes. My but hurts. I miss HS, not because it was fun, but because for a short time, it was home.
Hay hay.
Wahahahah.
Ang tagal ko na walang post. Eh kasi ewan ko. Gahhh.
Miss na miss na kita.Hoy mga tao! Pramdam kayo saken. Para akong patay dito eh.
I love moccha frapp.
After pondering on my situation, i finally arrived at a conclusion. The same one ive had since forever: i-dont-fuken-know. Oh well. If an explanation cannot be seen, it doesnt mean that it doesnt exist. I know, and i believe that, but it just keeps getting harder and harder. I find myself constantly wishing things were simpler. I just have to deal with the fact that it never was, and never will be simple between us.
Somehow dear, prove to me that youre worth it.
***
I went to atc earlier. Starbucks! Gahd.
Ive loved you for the longest time.
Im not in my best mood. I thought everything was going great. I hate this feeling, I wished i never had to feel it again. I guess not all wishes come true. My doctor asked me half jokingly if after seventeen years i still think my parents would change. I laughed. But then i whispered to myself,
i still hope so.
***
I do not believe in God. I have been born and raised a christian but i do not think i have ever had faith in religion. Going to mass and listening to those more-often-than-not corrupt priests even give me more reason to be skeptical. And no, the Da Vinci Code had nothing to do with this. Its just plain and simple-- I was taught to pray and worship, but i was never taught to believe. Not that faith could be taught, but, well, lets just say i just havent found it yet. I just find it stupid how people entrust themselves entirely to something they are not even sure of. But, that is what faith is. Maybe i just believe in the wrong things, like science and tv and books and you.
***
I want you so much, it hurts. I have said that far too many times. Im scared to death that after everything i might lose you, if i even ever had you. You dont know how much those looks, those smiles, a simple brush of your hand means to me.
Para kay Zel.
"
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces,
beyond repair."
***
"Parents rarely let go of their children,
so children let go of them. They move away. The moments that used to define them—a mother’s approval, a father’s nod—are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
***
Kaya mo yan, Kaibigan.
