Ive loved you for the longest time.
Im not in my best mood. I thought everything was going great. I hate this feeling, I wished i never had to feel it again. I guess not all wishes come true. My doctor asked me half jokingly if after seventeen years i still think my parents would change. I laughed. But then i whispered to myself,
i still hope so.
***
I do not believe in God. I have been born and raised a christian but i do not think i have ever had faith in religion. Going to mass and listening to those more-often-than-not corrupt priests even give me more reason to be skeptical. And no, the Da Vinci Code had nothing to do with this. Its just plain and simple-- I was taught to pray and worship, but i was never taught to believe. Not that faith could be taught, but, well, lets just say i just havent found it yet. I just find it stupid how people entrust themselves entirely to something they are not even sure of. But, that is what faith is. Maybe i just believe in the wrong things, like science and tv and books and you.
***
I want you so much, it hurts. I have said that far too many times. Im scared to death that after everything i might lose you, if i even ever had you. You dont know how much those looks, those smiles, a simple brush of your hand means to me.
Para kay Zel.
"
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhood completely into jagged little pieces,
beyond repair."
***
"Parents rarely let go of their children,
so children let go of them. They move away. The moments that used to define them—a mother’s approval, a father’s nod—are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives."
***
Kaya mo yan, Kaibigan.
Hey, you.
Labli and i are soo mean. The net is a very powerful thing. Someday we might just be the next Bill Gates.
***
I went to bene earlier. I cannot believe how nothing has changed, and how i do not miss it at all. Sara and i went to town after. We just talked and talked and talked. Amazing how a frapp, yosi and blabbing can take up the time. These heart to hearts are the talks i treasure most. Sara made me realize two things. One-- People hate honesty. Two-- I really
do have it bad for you.
***
I am going to celebrate my birthday on September 2 in my house. Everyone's welcome, the more the merrier. Just comment to ask for my address.
Ted's la paz batchoy.
The only good thing that happened today was that i ate
two bars of chocolate and Ted's. My dad doesnt believe im having problems. He says im just missing the big picture. If then, that is the case, how come this lost picture hurts me so much? Im tired of his words, Ive heard them all before. I want no more of this. My psychiatrist says im eighty percent better, doesnt-fuken-feel-like-it.
***
I apparently have a high IQ according to a question marv gave me.
x: mataas iq mo?
isah08: ewan ko
isah08: baket?
x: cos may papasagot ako sayo na one question
x: grace,issah,chris mark,stef got it all wrong
isah08: ocge
x: ako lang nakatamang sagot in less than a minute
isah08: tanung mo
x: NASA received three messages in a strange language from a distant planet. The scientists studied the messages and found that "Necor Buldon Slock" means "Danger Rocket Explosion" and "Edwan Mynor Necor" means "Danger Spaceship Fire" and "Buldon Gimilzor Gondor" means "Bad Gas Explosion". What does "Slock" mean?
x: a.)Dangerb.)Explosion c.)Nothing d.)Rocket e.)Gas
isah08: rocket
x: tayong dalawa lang nakatama
isah08: hahaha
isah08: AYUS
Hahaha.
Im a genious! Well, not really. Gahd. Asa pa ako.
***
I played PS2 the whole afternoon, and believe me, those violent games
do help you cool down.
No means Yes?
Stupid. I am.
After everything, i come crashing back to you.***
TANGENA,
Sabi ko ayoko na eh. Bakit pagdating sayo, isang sabi mo lang oo na ako? Isang pilit mo lang wala na akong magawa? Mahal ba talaga kita o malakas ka lang talaga sa akin? HAHA, itawa na lang natin.
A kiss goodbye.
I said no to him. For the first time i refused him in something. Although that something isnt a big thing, just the feeling is empowering. And you ask me if i miss you. I know the answer to that all too well, but i assumed that you did too. Do you?
***
Woke up this morning to my dads incessant singing. Weird way to wake up in the morning. Even weirder when a few minutes later my brother upon my parents orders kissed me goodbye. Later we
had to talk about our issues. I dread that talk. Funny thing is, it did make me feel better afterwards, but only for ten minutes or so. I left for taft at around one and arrived at one thirty. It was refreshing to see everyone again. After the usual exchange of hugs and shrieks, i couldnt believe how much has changed, how much has happened, yet, how much everything still had a sense of familiarity. I finally got my shoes from jes after i dont even know how long.
***
People confuse me. In a fraction of a minute, their point of view can change. Circumstances can differ.
New xanga post.
Would you,
for me?
Midnight calls.
I am bored as f*ck. Dammit. Nothing ive been doing these past weeks but eat, sleep, watch tv and surf the net.
A friend called yesterday at around midnight or past. I wasnt going to answer it but i decided otherwise. Good thing, too.
He wanted to end it. I blurted out, "You know better..". But now i realize, maybe he doesnt. Sad as it may seem, he was the one of those who taught me too keep on going. To live despite whatever i encounter.
I thought he was stronger than that, stronger than suicide. I guess no one is. I cannot help but feel betrayed. He lied to me. He made me feel stupid about wanting to die and it turns out he feels the same way.
Yes i know,
I am being selfish. I should know better. I should help him bla bla bla. The thing is, how can i help him if i cant help myself?
My pillow case was wet before i drifted off to strained sleep.***
Sometimes id like to write everything i feel out of my system. I try but i quickly lose my words. Nevertheless, this has been one of my greatest joys on my darkest days. Sometimes i am even hesitant to do something to make me happy, for fear that if i finally become happy, i would lose one of the things i love dearly, one of the things that give me outmost hope. writing.
Why i really blog.
Its a sad and funny thing when the person who helped you get back up on your own two feet crumbles right in front of you. You wonder, If he cant do it, what makes me think i can? You sink back and try to hide your fear behind your words, but words arent enough. They never were in these situations. You make him promise, not for him really, but for you. You need something to hold on to, even for just tonight. You need to make believe that this was all a mistake and tommorow he would be okay. You need him to be.
God, you are selfish.
Starting
To find out who i was
click
www.xanga.com/isah
